DARLINGS

What are the darlings in your life?  I’m not referring to people or things that you hold dear.  I’m referring to beliefs that don’t serve you any longer, sacred cows, that you’re not even sure why you keep around any longer.    

Killing the darlings is an expression writers use to do away with anything that doesn’t serve the story.  It’s a productive idea to apply to our lives as well.  It’s about doing away with limiting beliefs that hold you back.  Bury them, set them on fire if you have to, there’s no good reason to keep them around anymore.

When it comes to our  “people darlings”  - please don’t literally do away with them -  but if they’re not contributing or supporting your growth, then to the curb they must go.

PRECIOUS

Money simply is.  It’s just a tool.  There is nothing precious about money.  Yet in our society it has come to define a person’s intrinsic worth.  It is a grossly dysfunctional way to live. 

YIELD

We do so unconsciously perhaps, but as the summer winds down and we feel the first chill in the air, our mood changes to reflection.  It could be what affects us with depression at the close of the year that has less to do with the changing of the seasons and more to do with the disappointment we feel at the paltry yield of our year.

If we began the year with high hopes of making changes but find ourselves, nine months later, at exactly the same place we started from, then we stand atop a very slippery slope.

PERFECT

All this talk about being perfect doesn’t mean that we don’t have work to do in the being better human beings department.  Being ‘perfect’ has nothing to do with being blameless, or that our every act is beyond reproach.  The reality is that while our spirits are perfect, our behaviour oftentimes, is not.

That’s the distinction between the perfection of loving ourselves unconditionally and the not so perfect choices we often make.  Our choices are not who we are.  Choices are changeable.  Our inherent perfection is not. 

REMEMBERING

Here’s what I have felt perhaps all my life but had no words to articulate until I was reminded of this.  In the Epistemology, Plato says that  knowledge (how we know things), is innate, we have always known everything that is critical, deep in our souls, and learning is simply an act of remembering.

If nothing else this is the definition of authenticity.  Of living an authentic life.  When we sit still and allow our spirit to remember what we have always known is most important, we are tapping into that innate knowledge. In fact our soul is trying to remind us of that all the time, it’s called instinct, it’s call a gut reaction.  That’s the knowledge that Plato is talking about.  

When we listen to what our instinct is telling us, from who we’re hanging out with to what we’re putting into our bodies, then we are remembering what is innate, we are listening to our soul.  We will always feel right and fulfilled if we remember this.

STARSTUFF

I believe this with all my ‘starstuff’ being.

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.”~ Carl Sagan, Cosmos

FEAR-RETARDANT

I find fear fascinating.  Particularly how it can be manipulated and be used to manipulate.  How quickly it can be stirred up and how resistant it is to dousing.  That it uses virtually no kindling at all, in fact it can be ignited by pure fiction and amplified by amateurs.  It has an egalitarian nature that is as affective en mass as it is on an individual.  It froths and lathers either equally into an unrecognizable inhuman thing.  

Like fire, that has no equal in terms of destruction, fear loses some of its power when it is understood.  Only by understanding the mechanics of it can we make ourselves fear-retardant enough to pass through it.

GENESIS

While much is said about free will and it being our life to live, consider also that our ‘terroir’ the soil in which we grew permeates our life and the choices we make. No one on this planet grew in perfectly balanced nutrient rich soil.  No one got just the right amount of sun and rain to meet their innate needs.  So to think that our history is not making our decisions for us, is to not understand our etiology -- our origin, how we came to be, our genesis and how that affects, to a huge degree, how we make decisions.

WHAT?

What are you doing today that is worth the risk of failing?

THAT PROVERBIAL ROAD

Sometimes, even when we put our shiniest best foot forward and come from a loving and compassionate place, things, like all good intentions, will still go to hell.

If our sense of self is too precious, one or two of these kinds of experiences are enough to make us withdraw and never put our shiniest best foot forward ever again.  What a shame that would be!

Rather, we need to fortify our sense of self by deliberately seeking out opportunities that set us on that proverbial path.  Goodness why?  You ask.   Because it's the only way we'll realize that when things go sideways, when things don't go as planned, it's at the worst a bump in the road, and at its best, an education.

SHADOWS

In the Allegory of the Cave, Plato describes the plight of people who have lived their lives chained up in a cave.  They are chained with their heads constrained facing the wall of the cave.  They watch shadows projected on the wall of this cave of things passing in front of a fire behind them.  These shadows are ‘real’ to them.  If you were to unchain them and show them the people that made those shadows they would not believe you.  In fact, they would be very upset at the suggestion and would insist that they be returned to their chains.  

Socrates, Plato’s protagonist, says:

“...that the man was compelled to look at the fire: wouldn't he be struck blind and try to turn his gaze back toward the shadows, as toward what he can see clearly and hold to be real? What if someone forcibly dragged such a man upward, out of the cave: wouldn't the man be angry at the one doing this to him? And if dragged all the way out into the sunlight, wouldn't he be distressed and unable to see 'even one of the things now said to be true' because he was blinded by the light?"

The shadows are our dysfunction.  We’ve had them with us all of our lives.  The problem is that they are not us.  They are not what is real.  Our resistance to understanding that is similar to the prisoners insisting that they be returned to their chains.

NOPE

You don’t have to listen.  You don’t have to change, nope, absolutely not, uhu, nein and nyet.  It is your life, so you live it the way you want.  Regrets?  You can handle them.  Right? 

How do you know you can handle them? Looking at old age from mid-life is similar to looking at mid-life from the perspective of a teenager.  We can’t really imagine it because from our much younger vantage point, we feel invincible, and those old farts?  Well they look too vulnerable.  That’s not us.

Here’s the thing.  We don’t deal with regret in our invincible years, we face regret in our old age, in the full-fledged throes of vulnerability.  We face regret in the very years we’re the least capable of doing anything about them.

Our resistance to change is nothing more than our fear of fear.  That, as Franklin D. Roosevelt said, is the only thing we have to fear.

“...fear, nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes 

needed efforts to convert retreat into advance...”

VIRGIL

We call guides to us.  Like Virgil who showed up to take Dante through the nine layers of hell, when we need it most, we call guides to us.  The problem is we don’t always recognize them.  More often than not they don’t look like teachers at all.  Sometimes they’re not even people, oftentimes it’s a situation or circumstance.  

Here’s the AHA.  Who is in your life or what circumstance is playing out in your life right now that you’re feeling resistance toward?  You’re feeling this very keen and undeniable urge to run away from?  That, is your guide.  That’s your cue to listen.  You’ve called Virgil to you.  So be the student, because the teacher has arrived, and listen.

TOOTH & NAIL

We fight this kind of learning tooth and nail.  But, every single person who crosses our path we've called to us to teach us something.  

What that thing we need to learn might be, is sometimes not clear until some time later, sometimes years later.  It's critical then to pay attention to whom we are drawing into our orbit, especially those that are causing us some pain or difficulty.  Pay special attention to those because we've called them to us for a very important lesson.

CURIOSITY

Cultivate curiosity.  It's a thorn in the side of fear.

DEFINITION

What you do can’t define who you are because what you do can change anytime and is beyond your control.  If your sense of worth comes from your job, what happens if you get fired?  Who are you then?

There is a real danger in identifying too strongly with what we do for a living.  Once that definition goes away the path toward rebuilding a sense of self will be a long, arduous, traumatic and painful one.  

PROBLEM/EMERGENCY

Keep an eye out for folks who love to make their problems, your emergency.  They’re experts at it.  From those riding your bumper because they’re late so your emergency is to get out of their way, to neurotic individuals who can’t ever see the roles they play in their own drama, so your emergency is to solve their problems.

Their methods are so insidious you don’t realize they’re a black hole sucking you into their orbit until it’s too late.  It’s like the Hotel California where you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.

CLOD

I just met the personification of what Shaw describes as a “feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making [them] happy.”

I bet at some point this person is convinced that they’re ‘doing their best.’  That it’s them against the world and, what are you so happy about anyway, Pollyanna? 

There will come a time, there always does, when a moment of clarity descends upon them and they’ll see that they’ve wasted a great deal of time being miserable, when they could have chosen differently.  It was up to them all along.

This is how we manufacture regret.  

ENTITLED

Plenty of people feel entitled these days to all manner of things they have not earned. This type of entitlement has it’s source in fear, scarcity and shame.  These folks try to heal their sense of brokenness by demanding acknowledgment and acceptance.

It never works.  The only things we are entitled to, just because we are sparkling spirits and special souls, is peace of mind, love and compassion.  That’s all.  That’s everything that matters.

ABUNDANCE

I love this because it's such a great reminder to come from an abundant, joyful place.  Isn't this the epitome of treating others how we would like to be treated?  Imagine being on the receiving end of this...

"Today, "mistakenly" copy someone on an email about his best qualities. Leave positive comments about your children on notes "accidentally" scattered around the house. Admire people loudly to third parties when you know the admired are eavesdropping. Praise be."  ~ Martha Beck

FASTING

When things get out of hand, either we’ve been on a junk food binge, realize we’re addicted like crack to our phones or find we’re drowning in the despair of the evening news, we just need to back away.

Fasting or abstaining from whatever activity has become unhealthy, even for just a short period of time, is the fastest way to reclaim balance.  It’s the best way to save ourselves from spinning further down that spiral.

BLAME

Understanding the dysfunction of our family of origin requires that we understand those who raised us. It’s not about going back to place blame, it’s about going back to realize that our dysfunction has deep roots.  

SHAME

It isn’t the feeling that you’ve done something bad.  No, that’s guilt.  Shame is the feeling that YOU ARE bad.  That you are inherently, fundamentally, broken and flawed.  It’s hard to believe, but check and see if it’s not true, most of us operate from a place of shame.  Shame has us lead dysfunctional lives because we can’t reconcile this sense of shame with the truth of our soul which tells us we are whole and perfect.

(Based on Brenè Brown’s research on vulnerability)

WORK

We wait for inspiration to descend before making changes to our lives.  We wait for inspiration to present us with options and make the decisions for us.  This is true if we continually complain of not knowing our purpose in life, what will make us happy and feel fulfilled.  It’s a stall tactic.  We’ll know by doing, by trying this and trying that, by eliminating what we don’t like doing or what doesn’t fulfill us.  Ultimately...

“Inspiration is for amateurs...the rest of us just show up and get to work.”  ~ Chuck Close

RATIONALIZE

Creativity is just one of the ways in which rationalizing stifles the outlet.  In all other aspects of our lives, rationalization is the way we construct stories about ourselves that are not true.  Rationalization is the way we get and stay stuck.

"The intellect is a great danger to creativity … because you begin to rationalize and make up reasons for things, instead of staying with your own basic truth — who you are, what you are, what you want to be."     ~ Ray Bradbury

UPON

We are not acted upon.  We react upon.

Our circumstances are a result of our reaction to what comes our way.

PSEUDO-REALITY

What reality have you bought into?  The social media reality that says everyone is looking for you and really wants to know what you’re doing every nanosecond of the day?  The marketers reality that has you convinced of not only what you want, but what you NEED?  Your boss’s reality that says, you’re not overworked, you’re lucky to have a job?  Your kid’s reality that says you suck as a parent because you’re not indulging my every whim? 

These other realities look really attractive because much of our time is spent in us not liking the reality we’re living.  Here’s the thing, all of these pseudo-realities are ‘pseudo’ because they look like a life but actually are not.  They are vacuous facsimiles of existence.  They are a proposition with an agenda driven by the people who have created it: social media, marketers, your boss, etc., all exist to satisfy their specific need.  Pseudo-realities have nothing to do with us and our wellbeing.

Yet we get caught up in them all the time because we’re looking for an escape.  It’s so much easier to disappear into these alternate realities than make hard decisions, face our fears, live authentically.  

GIVE/GET

You can’t give what you don’t have.  Conversely, you can’t get what you don’t give.  It might be a cute little phrase but it’s true.  We expect compassion, love and respect from others but have none for ourselves.  

How do we know we don’t have any for ourselves?  When our default response is angry and defensive, anxious and fearful.  When we feel as though there’s not enough for us, when we believe everyone is trying to take something from us, when most of the time we feel empty. 

How can we possibly offer anything to anyone if we come from a place of emptiness?

DOORMAT

Living our life with love and compassion doesn’t mean we become doormats. It comes down to knowing our boundaries.   

A quick and dirty guide to knowing what your boundaries are, goes something like this:

1. Stop doing things that make you feel bad
2. Do more of the things that make you feel good

Simple right?  But not easy.  Our culture confuses us with mixed messages.  For example, #1. Stop doing things that make you feel bad, doesn’t mean that you stop doing things you know you need to do to grow and be responsible for your life.  It doesn’t mean stop when things get uncomfortable and challenging.

It’s the same with #2 Do more of the things that make you feel good, doesn’t mean being irresponsible with our behaviour.  Doing things that jeopardize our health for example, or doing things that make us feel good in the moment but have awful repercussions in the long term.

Boundaries are about being responsible for our life, for our behaviour and respecting others to take responsibility for their life and their behaviour.  Boundaries are crossed when one or the other isn’t doing that.

TRUST

Trust is not passive.  Trust is not hoping.  Trust without action is magical thinking.  It is wishful thinking.

Trust is a verb.  It is active. There’s action associated with it.  It means that we take a risk and then release the need to manipulate or worry about the outcome  because we’re confident that whether our efforts succeed or fail, we’ll not only be able to handle it, we’ll be ready to trust again, ready to risk again.  That’s trust at its most elemental.