Customs and Traditions

We (all individuals on the planet) have collectively agreed, either implicitly or explicitly, to how society is functioning today through customs and traditions.  Some customs and traditions are so ingrained and have been so well ‘sold’ that some people think them to be part of the ‘natural order.’   There is no such thing and empirical evidence clearly shows you the contrary: people suffering, the planet suffering, and on and on (while it’s true that nature can be cruel, it is only humans that ‘choose’ to be).  We therefore can collectively, implicitly and explicitly, choose to make changes that are more truly reflective of the ‘natural order.”  All things should be given a fair opportunity to succeed rather than being set up for failure through customs and traditions.

A Call to Action

I’m terribly afraid that encouraging someone to ‘live their best life’ will become a platitude; a trite, dull, and meaningless statement rather than the critical call to action that I see it to be.

To me living a best life means owning my place in this world and being free to proactively make my life choices.  It means being fully engaged and empowered to realize my potential and then reaching out and empowering someone else.  This is my right, not due to some special status, but because I am a human being.

To dismiss this as naive thinking, or a sound bite, is the first step to relegating this idea to platitude status.  More alarming still is the suggestion that 'reality' is how society is structured now: ruled by whomever carries a bigger stick.  


I couldn't disagree more.  The shift happens with each tiny little step you take to empower yourself and your neighbour.

Live like your life has value

I was researching some statistics on domestic violence and came upon the website from the Ontario Ministry of Community Safety & Correctional Services.  It was a report from the chief Coroner entitled “Eighth Annual Report of Domestic Violence Death Review Committee.”

Here’s what I understood: 

1. From the title alone I understood that this committee has been reviewing these stats for eight years.  
2. Reading on I understood that this committee’s sole purpose is to review the stats and then make recommendations to “organizations and agencies that were in a position to effect implementation...”  
3. From a chart tracking this committee’s work since it’s inception I understood that deaths from domestic violence has gone up from 24 in 2003 to 36 in 2010.

Here’s what I didn’t understand:

1. How many more years of this reviewing is it going to take before it dawns on someone that while collecting and reviewing these statistics is interesting, solely making recommendations “to organizations and agencies that were in a position to effect implementation” isn’t working, the numbers aren’t going down!
2. Who are these “organizations and agencies” accountable to?
3. Is it fair to single them out as responsible? Perhaps not.

The thinking (our thinking, their thinking) that makes it acceptable for a woman in Afghanistan to have to choose between life imprisonment or marrying her rapist for freedom, is simply the extreme end of a continuum that has 22 women dead from Domestic Homicide in 2010 (out of 189 province wide).  It’s the continuum that says, women are not valued.

The reality is that women need to change this. If we don’t stand up for ourselves, no one else will.  This is the whole point of the Flight Imperative.  When you value yourself and live like your life has value, you will change the world.

Half the sky

Whether I like it or not the Shafia trial enters my consciousness one way or another.  It never fails to illicit a strong mix of sadness and fury that begs the question: If women hold up half the sky, why is it that we shoulder almost all the weight and experience only a paltry piece of shelter?  

We need to change this because:

 “None of us is free, if one of us is chained.”

Solomon Burke - http://www.tubelyrics.org/lyrics_solomon_burke_house_m_d_s2_none_of_us_are_free-241403.html

Having a plan

The most perfect plan is the one you act on.  If you have a plan and are waiting to iron out the minutiae before acting on it, it will never become perfect -- perfection comes in the execution so that you can go back and tweak the plan based on the muster it took to see it through.   It’s not only how you will develop making future plans, more importantly, it’s how you learn to manufacture the courage it takes to continue to move forward.

A deferred life

Living a deferred life is not living a life at all.  A deferred life is a life filled with fear, so you postpone, wait and procrastinate making decisions that will help you live up to your authentic potential.   

I’m intimately familiar with living a deferred life, in its depths I wrote:

- Fear, the more intangible and abstract is a superb motivator for more of the same kind of fear, to the depressed mind.

- Fear, a great excuse to be immobile, substantiated by the fact that it pins you to the ground

When you’re overwhelmed by fear it’s almost impossible to see that it’s not as bad as we think it is.  That it’s just our primal brain seeing a sabertooth tiger around every corner.  I have come to call my primal brain Matilda, she’s a bit of an old hag, and every now and again I have to lock her in her cage deep in the basement of my being, just so I can move forward with my life.     

Name your fear.  Write an ode to your fear, sometimes you have to do it many times a day, but do it to extricate yourself, do it to lay claim to your life.

To Matilda

Not so far beneath the surface

She lives her secret life

Wrapped tightly in a heavy cloak

She feeds on vile and strife

Stooped she walks the corridors

And watches for a sign

Of anything that might be joy

To ridicule and malign

“Not enough” she screeches in my head

“More” she asks of me

“My belly isn’t nearly full

Of your tears and misery”

Again and again she strikes my spirit

Pummels it black and blue

For one so old, so gnarled and brittle

Each blow feels marked and true

I drink each blow like mother’s milk

So eager to believe

That all the hate she hurls at me

Is just what I deserve

I am she, and she is me

So tightly intertwined

To kill one, would kill the other

We are both kin and kind

“Old hag,” I rage to spite myself

“Old hag, I’m done with you”

I hear her cackle long and low

“I love you dearly too”

A decision can lead to change...you have been warned.

I know that when I hesitate to make a decision it’s because I’m afraid I’ll get it wrong, I’ll make a mistake.  But getting it wrong isn’t the worst thing that can happen -- unless you’re a brain surgeon of course, for regular folks and the decisions we need to make, we have a bit of leeway in making a mistake.

Sometimes though, people don’t make a decision because they have no intention of ever making a decision.  For some people talking about having to make a decision, talking about whatever isn’t working in their lives, ad-nauseam, is the point.  To these people I say, you have abdicated the right to gripe.  

So, to the person who is on the receiving end of the gripe, you have my permission to walk away without fear of being a bad person, or dying friendless, truly, they are no friend to you anyway.

People who complain and yet do nothing are not afraid of making mistakes, they’re just plain afraid, fear rules their lives.  Fear will continue to rule their lives until they run out of people who will listen to them.  By having someone listen to them complain, they don’t have to deal with their fear, in fact they don’t have to deal with anything. So you will be a better friend to them by walking away. And if you are not walking away, then I wonder what the payoff is for you?

Better than being alone.

It absolutely amazes me how people rationalize staying in a horrible situation because it’s “better than being alone.” 

As far as I know nobody ever died of being alone, yet plenty of people have died staying in horrible situations.

What kind of perverse thinking does it take to rationalize yourself into feeling so completely worthless?  

Please believe me when I tell you that feeling this worthless isn’t a result of something being done to you, not at this stage, not as an adult, but it’s a result of the small, seemingly insignificant decisions you make every minute of every day.  

Very specifically, it’s in the way you decide to talk yourself into being every single day.  And it’s your decision to either continue, or stop.

Colluding with toxic people

You absolutely teach people how to treat you so when someone keeps making an appointment with you but then cancels or reschedules repeatedly, and you go along with it, you are teaching them that you don't matter.


When your date keeps showing up late, they're telling you that you're not that important. And by not saying anything you're telling them, it's okay to disrespect you.


We think that not saying anything is being nice.  That getting angry but not saying anything to this person (being passive aggressive) is okay because we're not making a scene.  We don't want to make a big deal, so we don't say anything.  REALLY?  Your silence is screaming "GO AHEAD WIPE YOUR FEET ON ME, I DON'T MIND.'


Stop colluding with toxic people; go ahead make a scene, challenge the shabby way you're being treated, don't let your silence do the talking.  Speak up.  The empowering boost to your self-esteem will be exhilarating.

Toxic People

Bullying isn’t just about kids being cruel to one another, there are plenty of adult bullies running around.  Although statistics show that 80% of adult bullying happens at work by a boss, you may be harboring a bully in your inner circle.   How will you know? Listen to your gut, it doesn’t lie, then ask yourself:   

Do you feel depleted or less than after spending even five minutes with them?  

Does even a compliment feel backhanded when coming from them?  

Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them?

Do you feel as though you need to work hard just so you can get a sense that they like you?   

If you answered yes to any of the above, the critical question to ask yourself is why you’re allowing your self-esteem to be eroded away by hanging around them?  It’s not you and they’re not going to change.  

Move on.

Lovable

So long as you continue to believe that the determining factor of how lovable you are exists outside of yourself, you will continue to feel that there’s something inherently wrong with you.

Grass is always greener,,,

“No matter how awesome you think your boyfriend is right now, there is someone out there relieved to see his ass gone.”  Actual quote from a bathroom stall.

You can apply that to anything, just like ‘one man’s trash is another man’s treasure’ when your life isn’t working you tend to look over that virtual/literal fence that divides your boring life from your neighbor’s and think “Man, I wish my life was as exciting/interesting/less complicated as theirs.”  

It seems as though our default setting is to give our power away.  We waste so much time pining after our neighbors’ life that we neglect putting that energy into changing ours. 

Here’s what you need to know about your neighbors’ life -- IT’S EXACTLY LIKE YOURS.  They’re probably looking over at your house thinking, “Geez, I wish my life was as exciting/interesting/less complicated as theirs.”  

Now if you used that energy spent pining to actually make your life exciting/interesting/less complicated, you'll be too busy living a fulfilling life to bother looking over the fence.

Passion is overrated

I was at the grocery store the other day and a mom was strapping her two little kids into their car seats.  She then turned and looked at the grocery cart.  You could tell she wanted to return it to the store but looking at her kids she didn’t want to leave them.  She looked back at the cart then at her kids a couple of times, this took only a couple of seconds, but I saw that she was struggling with a dilemma, so I offered to return the cart for her.

There’s a lot of talk about living a passionate life; do what you’re passionate about; find your passion, etc., and all I can think is “Geez, I don’t think I have that kind of energy.”  I’d argue that a lot of what adds up to living a full meaningful life, are small selfless moments.  Conjuring up passion to me feels like it would take a whole lot of bluster and meaningless energy (see my earlier post on INERTIA); the quieter stirrings of selflessness run deeper and make a bigger impact.  

The same holds true for the need to give flight to your life (do what you’re passionate about).  The pursuit of that need, I think, doesn’t require a red hot burning passion, no.  For me it has always felt more like an obsessed stalker lurking under the surface every single day and getting in your face only when it feels you’ve ignored it for too long.

Passion to me feels like a match - short lived.

The obsessed stalker feels more like a real hunger for arson.

Expectations and the Flight Imperative

You’ve made a decision to start a project, have chosen a path or are taking a journey that is new to you, in other words, you’ve reached the clearing and have the runway in sight.  You have expectations but you’re keeping the story small and at arms length, and as you venture on you start encountering obstacles, or your progress slows down, you’ve hit a glitch, and your momentum comes to a grinding halt.  

What do you do now?  You’re fighting the voice in your head that wants a big, emotional story, you’re fighting resistance that wants to shout in your ear “I told you this was a stupid idea.”  You can feel all this emotion getting closer and closer to you, so what do you do?

STOP and LEAN INTO IT.

Yes, when every fibre in your body wants to run the other way or collapse on the spot and give in to the pressure, do what is least expected, LEAN TOWARD these uncomfortable feelings. I first heard of this idea from Seth Godin and his book The Dip. It works!  When I stood, faced and leaned toward these emotions it took all the air out of the negative energy and felt incredibly empowering.

I truly believe that the only way out of a difficult experience is through, is to feel the emotions, put your shoulder against them and LEAN IN.

Expectations - a minefield

Expectations are the hopes we have for a certain outcome.  But more than that, we weave a fairly complex story around this hope and imbue it with all manner of emotion and meaning, so that when the outcome of a situation is not what we expected, we are disappointed, hurt, disillusioned, crushed, and on and on.  At its worst, it can level our self-esteem and make us skittish about trying anything outside our comfort zone again.

We can’t eradicate expectation, it seems to be part of being human.  But I don’t think it’s the expectation itself that’s the problem, it’s the story that we weave around that expectation.  It’s the story that makes it feel personal, so the bigger the story the deeper the destruction will go. 

Why is this distinction important?  If we can acknowledge a sense of expectation as part of an experience but keep the story small and at arms length, then the outcome has less power over us.  

For example: 

You go for a job interview:

Expectation = I hope it goes well

Story = Getting this job will validate my skills

It’s a prestigious firm, my friends will be impressed

It’s more money so I can afford more stuff

It’ll be a relief since the bills are piling up

Etc.

You don’t get the job:

Fallout = That sucks

Story= Means my skills suck

A prestigious firm thinks I suck

No money coming in

The bills are piling up

I suck

I’m a loser

Etc.

Sliding into heaven.

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely

in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"” (Author unknown)

That’s what I want to be able to tell myself when I’m 80. 

To me this little aphorism isn’t talking about hedonism, irresponsibility, or checking off all the items on a bucket list.  To me it says you’ve lived your life authentically and expansively, going out of your way to enhance someone else’s life as well. It is by far, the best way to be used up at the end of the day.

Nothing kills off...

...creativity or a dream faster than having to work to pay off debt.

“I've always lived within my means. I've never been in debt in my life. I refuse to because I know the minute I’m in debt, I’m then at somebody else's behest.”

Terry Gilliam

Filmmaker

http://the99percent.com/articles/7121/Terry-Gilliam-On-Ideas-Unlearning-Avoiding-Debt

I LOVE EXCUSES

Some of my faves:

1. I don’t have enough time
2. I’m afraid of failure
3. I’m not inspired
4. I need to find balance in my work and home life
5. I can’t overcome the inertia
6. It’s not original enough
7. I’m afraid of the competition
8. I got my expectations too high just thinking about it
9. It’s not the right moment to do it
10. I have to plan everything first
11. The production is taking too long
12. The idea isn’t polished enough yet
13. I need to do market research
14. I have young children
15. I’ve got to pay the bills

You want 84 more?  Click here:  http://the99percent.com/tips/6842/99-Excuses-For-NOT-Making-Ideas-Happen  

There. We’ve uncovered them for what they are. Now you’re free to make great things happen.  GO!

INERTIA

“The tendency of an object to resist any change in its motion.”  

A former colleague had chosen to incorporate the word “frazzle” into their email address -- perhaps they felt that it reflected how busy they were.  It suggested to me someone disorganized, distracted and ineffective, not surprisingly, they were.

Some people can’t stop being in motion.  The only problem is that it’s the chicken without a head, kind of motion.  Busy with being busy, but not really getting anything done.  It’s just another form of distraction.  It’s another way of not having to deal with the messy, possibly painful stuff: the relationships that aren’t working, the soul-sucking jobs they have.  It's just another way of denying that whether they’re happy with their life or whether they’re not, rests in the decisions they make every second of every day.

So as your eyelids snap open tomorrow morning will you decide to whip yourself into a frazzle of useless motion or, will you be curious enough to slow down and ask “What am I in such a hurry to get away from?"  

STOP!

Stop doing stuff that doesn’t feed your soul. Stop hanging out with people/working for people/being married to people, who will not respect you. Allow yourself to think it, allow yourself to feel it, allow yourself to say it, then you can actually do something about it. So think STOP, feel STOP, then say STOP nice and loud and clear. STOP! There see, the world didn’t collapse, the kids are safe, all is well. The runway is clear...

Yes, showing up matters, but...

...if by showing up you’re sucking the air out of a room, do everyone a favor and just stay home.

How is this related to the Flight Imperative? Taking responsibility for your life includes taking responsibility for how you show up.

How do you eat an elephant?

Making your goals so big and looking so far down the road that it’s impossible to visualize the path that will get you there, is an excellent barrier to flight.  It’s an opportunity for resistance to take over with “Not until I vacuum every horizontal (and some vertical) surfaces in my house,” and rationalization to chime in with “I’m a vegetarian actually.” 

And boy are they effective. I’d bet that the occupants of the most spotless houses, the most accomplished couch potatoes, and the most studious perusers of websites (porn and other) are artists.  I use the inexplicable need to iron something, anything, it doesn’t matter what, like an e-collar that jolts me back from the precipice that resistance and rationalization have pushed me toward.  Realizing that I’m prowling for the ironing board compels me to stop in my tracks, take stock of my slightly shaking hands, my sweaty palms, and reminds me that if I don’t sit at my desk and write, NOW, I can look forward to being the only 80-year old ironing maiden, in that home for wayward octogenarians.

So how do you eat an elephant?  One piece at a time, of course.

• Every day you carve out a little piece, as big or as small as your current life allows, and you follow through: do the work for even 5 minutes today, make the phone call, buy that book, write that letter, or talk to someone who will help you see all the little pieces, all the little steps that you’ll need to take.

Remember, with an elephant standing in your way, you can’t possibly see where you’re going. So start filleting.

Scott Dinsmore created a handy little workbook you can download free, here:  http://liveyourlegend.net/free-2012-goal-setting-guide/

Why is telling yourself a lie worse than telling someone else a lie?

Lying to yourself disrespects you and erodes your self-esteem. Over time, and with continual corrosion you feel, and even worse, believe that you are worthless. This is all taking place at a subconscious level and influencing you in such an insidious fashion that you’ll not notice it until it reaches critical mass. Critical mass usually takes years but you’ll hit it at about 50 or so, or after the dust settles following some kind of trauma; divorce, kids leaving for college, a life threatening diagnosis, when you look around and think, “How did this become my life?” Or, “Geez, why didn’t I do XYZ when I had the chance?”

What would your life be like if you traded a bit of that illusory comfort, hiding behind excuses, for the truth behind, ‘Yeah, but...”?

Next time you feel a ‘Yeah but,...” coming on, see if you can uncover the lie that’s hiding under there. I know, you’ll resist it at first, you might even be offended by the suggestion, but humour me. It’ll work like tracking your way through a forest, unfamiliar and disconcerting at first but if you persist you’ll find a clearing.

Only when you get to that clearing, that honest place within yourself, free of all of lies and deceits, will you be able to tell yourself the truth about what’s holding you back from becoming who you were meant to be.

Rationalization isn’t Rational, it’s just comfortable.

According to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), rationalization occurs "when the individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by concealing the true motivations for his or her own thoughts, actions, or feelings through the elaboration of reassuring or self serving but incorrect explanations." (emphasis mine) In other words, this is how we go about making excuses.

You’re rationalizing if a statement begins with the words, “Yeah, but... .”

Here’s what’s important. The ‘comfort’ you feel when you’re rationalizing something away, is an illusion, because you are in reality telling yourself a lie.

Rationalization and it’s cousin Resistance are by far the best barriers to flight.

Let's be clear...

The flight imperative is the antithesis of running away; it's a moving towards.

Do you have a regret minimization plan? Get a pen, I’ll wait...

So here’s how it works, picture yourself sitting on a porch, in a rocking chair, with a shawl across your shoulders (BTW you didn’t knit the shawl yourself because you never learned how) -- you’re 80.  You look around and realize you’re in a home for wayward octogenarians, how did you end up here?

Every decision you make, like time, by second, by minute, by hour, puts you one step closer to that rocking chair.  The time will pass, just like death and taxes, the passing of time is guaranteed, the question you have to ask yourself is this, WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GET THERE?

- Do you want to arrive bitter, and filled with regret over things you wish you had done?

- Do you want to arrive stupefied with “Is this all there is?” dancing circles in your head?

- Or, are you going to blow off the whole question by cavalierly taking another pull on your cigarette or scarfing down those doughnuts, or snorting another ‘recreational’ line and chortling, “If I live that long.”

Don’t be ignorant, especially when it comes to your life.

You have a flight imperative, it’s a little bit of dust from the stars that make up the Universe.  As such, you have an obligation to live your best life.  You have an obligation to pull yourself up by one hand, reach back and help someone up with the other.  To do less, is ignorant.

Make a plan so that at 80 the most you’ll regret is not ordering the salad for lunch.

These books will help you find the runway: 

The War of Art, Steven Pressfield, http://www.stevenpressfield.com/the-war-of-art/

Uncertainty, Jonathan Fields, http://www.theuncertaintybook.com/

Go.

Why do older women tend to move on?

1. There are a lot of reasons why older women move on; why younger women move on; why men move on, etc., the point is that there are as many reasons as there are people on the planet for moving on, for making a change.
2. We can all agree that moving on or making a change is very hard.
3. We can also agree that if the impetus for moving on is to live a more authentic life then that individual is to be applauded for their courage.
4. On the other hand, if the impetus for moving on is to run away from a problem with distractions  (i.e., the marriage isn’t working so you have an affair) then that individual is to be called a Chicken Shit.

What I know for myself is that as I neared 50 I sensed a shift in the way I was living my life.  I realized that I was living an incredibly passive life.  I felt as though I was waiting for something/someone to rescue me.  While I waited I engaged in every manner of distraction possible. Yes, I was a Chicken Shit.  And I was living a Chicken Shit existence for many years before enough became enough.

Why is this important? My reason for change was based on a feeling; a minuscule sense that I wanted my life to mean something more. That’s it -- it was a small thing but it was EVERY thing as well.   I suspect that’s the reason most older women move on. It’s that sense of do or die that brings women to the crossroads.  

If this is you, standing at the crossroads studying the paths you’ve already taken, well trodden on the left and the right, why not look up and follow the runway.  I am the whisper in you ear that says, “It’s time to fly.” 

My flight imperative is to...

...illuminate the path to the runway so women can take flight and live the expansive life they were born to live.

A laughing matter

I came across a website (I’ll not mention it, but I’m sure you could find it) that talked about women and how they seem to not need men as they get older - (it appeared to me as though the author was interested in uncovering a flaw in older women).  He was looking for data to support his theory and what he found was that a) there wasn’t a whole lot of data around this subject, and b) the data that existed show that older women aren’t remarrying because they are usually widowed and tend not to remarry.  But he does uncover further data that reveals that women, overall, are the ones that initiate divorce.  So, it seems to me that he has proven his point to some degree.

Why is this important?  People, men and women, need reasons for explaining things that aren’t working in their lives -- they’re trying to make sense of what they’ve experienced or could be experiencing right now. 

So the sheer fact that someone would ask “Are women done with men after age 55” points to a very particular scenario in this person’s life, perhaps he’s sensing that his wife (or his friend’s wives are not showing the interest in their husbands that they once did ).  The point however is, as you can imagine, the reason why women initiate divorce or why they become distant from their husbands/boyfriends, etc., is as varied and complex as the individual herself.  How much does this kind of data show?  Not a whole lot.  In fact, you can find data on just about anything and interpret it to confirm just about any theory you need it to.  

But what’s the value?  A lot, if it makes you feel better and don’t mind a very narrow point of view.  Not a whole lot, if you understand that people are complex and that the hugely varied human experience cannot be pinned down and defined by a set of data.

Although the idea that some are comfortable with using a set of data to explain something as complex as why people divorce, is rather funny.   What isn’t funny is that some people read data like that and actually believe it to be a reflection of reality or that reality can be inferred by that data.

For example: Stats show that women initiate divorce ergo women don’t take marriage vows as seriously as men, therefore, women are more wonton and manipulative; women marry men to get at their money, and on and on.

See what I mean, you could spin a thoroughly nefarious story by simply stating that a set of statistics show that women initiate divorce.

Here’s why it matters.  The first lesson of taking flight is to ask questions, little ones, big ones, it doesn’t matter.  The point is don’t sit passively by and let other people tell you what reality is -- people have agendas.  Like those online dating commercials, stating that 1-5 relationships start with online connections - really, who undertook that analysis I wonder, the dating sites?  What is their agenda do you think?

Open the window, stick your head out and see for yourself what reality is.  And even more valuable, sit quietly for a couple of minutes and let your inner reality speak.  That, more than anything, is what truly matters.  That more than anything steers you toward the runway.

Who are you talking yourself into being?

Let me give you a scenario:  


We have a middle-aged woman spending lonely nights alone, looking around sad-eyed for that elusive love.  Then by absolute chance she meets someone, he just happens to smile at her in a coffee shop, he happens to start chatting with her, he asks whether he can sit at her table.  And she?  Well, she’s hyperventilating because here’s a guy who, she’s sure will clean up really well if he took a shower and combed his hair, is actually talking to her.  And of course she’ll pay for his coffee, because sometimes it happens that you leave your wallet at home, besides, it makes her feel needed.  

Hours turn to days and he has not left her side, I mean literally, he moved in the following day, and she thinks, isn’t it romantic.  And she lifts his spirits while making dinner after coming home from 12 hours at the office - she’s working overtime just until he finds a job, because she can sense that he’s feeling depressed because he can’t join his buddies for a night out since he has no money - by stuffing a twenty into his pocket.  She revels in the feeling of being needed.

Even after 6 months, a year of this, as red flags continue to pop up in her head, remembering the awful way it felt to be lonely, she rationalizes, makes excuses and hangs on ever-tighter to this “relationship” -- until he dumps her ass for being too needy.

Here’s the kicker, it doesn’t really matter that it’s a man/woman, it could be a donkey, the point is how it makes her feel -- it makes her feel safe and loved and not alone.  So it’s the situation she hangs on to, you can’t even call it a relationship because there is no reciprocity -- I was going to write, there is no give and take, but in fact there is, she does the giving and he does the taking -- so I’m talking about reciprocity.  He’s actually not giving anything, it’s the circumstance, the situation that she is interpreting as providing love, and safety and a hedge against loneliness.

When you refuse to take responsibility for your life it can only lead to crazy-making.  And responsibility does mean not making yourself crazy by letting the feeling of loneliness become who you are -- it’s just a feeling and guess what, you’re also responsible for your feelings.  I know, how about that!

Who ever died of loneliness anyway?  It’s a very romantic sentiment to be sure, but really?  

Who are you really talking yourself into being?  

You’re not dating, you’re not having sex, so what - it’s not going to kill you - in fact, you probably could use the break to regroup, patch up the holes you tore into your pride by ‘dating’ guys you met online and dusting off the set of values you once so carefully chose, but tossed into a dark corner.

Stop wringing your hands over it -- instead, make plans for what you’re going to do with your life.

Ask yourself, is all this teeth gnashing over being relationship-less a distraction from having to deal with other aspects of your life that aren’t working? Is it an escape from having to take responsibility for your own life?

And yes, this means men too -- this "a relationship will save me" syndrome effects everyone -- and it gets even worse once you hit your 40s, 50s and beyond...don't even get me started on that...

A New Year for Miss/Mr Lonely Hearts

Oh yes, a new year and boo hoo, you're all alone.  Oh wait a minute, you're not.  Is that a guy in your bed that you picked up because it was New Years Eve, you got shit-faced and... you never know it could turn into a relationship. 

A lot of women are not going to buy into this and that’s okay.  There are a lot of women who would rather bemoan the fact that they’re not in a relationship, how difficult it is to be in a relationship, how disappointing online dating is, how difficult it is to meet people, etc., etc.,  I don’t have an answer for these women -- actually I do, but like I said, they’re not really interested in hearing it.

The answer is this -- so what!  Is that how big your life is?  Are you waiting for someone to rescue you? Are you waiting for the man/women/small furry animal to make you feel safe and loved before you can actually lead a happy life?  That is tragic indeed.

I think it’s this ‘rescue me’ attitude that makes women desperate.  Since when have women abdicated their responsibility -- and don’t give me the old ‘well look at how we’ve been socialized.’  At some point you have to see what a load of crock that is and move on.

Now there's a resolution to think about.